Breaking the Walls Down

I've never been one to share my feelings openly or to let others know what was really going on in my life. I've always found it easier to say that things were good and then silently fight my battles. This method has worked for 29 years, but today when I found myself crying over a broken phone, I realized that my walls needed to come down, I needed an outlet to my pain and stress, I needed to get everything off my chest so that I can begin to overcome my challenges. Many of you know that we are in the process of selling our home and trying to find a new one, but that is just the surface of my challenges, and I've loved having that as a reason for being stressed, but now I feel like its time to share the deeper, more personal issues at hand. At the first of this year, Erik and I felt like it was time to start expanding our family, at the same time, I had some major dental issue that needed to be taken care of so our expansion was put off until that work was done. Things were finished the end of April. At that time, I was given a blessing that said that I would get pregnant quickly and that the pregnancy would go well. May went by as did June, July, and August with no luck. To add to the pain I was frequently asked when Jordyn would be getting a sibling and was in a ward where every week someone announced that they were expecting. September found us pregnant, but at almost 6 weeks there were complications and we lost the pregnancy. Shortly after we lost our little one our family was out for a few days with colds/flu and rumors were started in our ward that I was pregnant. This was hard because I wanted to be but knew that I wasn't. At the same time that we were going through this loss, there began to be home invasions in our neighborhood and Erik had strong feelings that we needed to move (I guess I also knew that we needed to, but I HATE change so I was trying to deny my feelings) and we put our house on the market. Finally, after 4 weeks of having to keep the house spotless and needing to find things to do with a 2yr old for hours at a time while people looked at the house, we got an offer. So our hunt for a new house was started we had been looking online at houses since we'd put the house up for sale but hadn't actually been to see any. Once we got the contract figured out we gave our realtor a list of homes we'd found and we started looking. We went to 6 the first day, and then 7 more over the weekend and didn't see anything that felt right. There were some nice homes and some good deals there were also homes whose pictures were deceiving and needed a lot of work, but to our dismay there was nothing that felt like home. Then Sunday we were told that our current subdivision was being moved into a new ward, and even though we'd only be there for a short time and that it meant that Erik couldn't go to church, we were told we needed to go to the new ward. This was hard to take. We truly believe that the leaders that told us this didn't fully understand our situation because I know these men are called of God and I know that they are fulfilling their callings to the best of their abilities and I know that the Lord would want Erik to be able to go to church. Yes, he could go to an earlier ward and we could go to the assigned ward, but that we would mean that we wouldn't see him at all on Sundays which doesn't feel right either. I think this would have been easier to take and we would have been more inclined to try to explain our situation better if we hadn't of been under so much stress as it was. We've decided to see what our housing situation is like by Saturday and go from there.
I know this may sound like a lot of complaining and a lot of hard hits for one family to take, but there has been a lot of good that has come of it. Though losing the pregnancy was hard, it got us to rely on the Lord a little more and we were struggling to understand why things were happening we realized that if we wanted the Lords blessings we needed to try a little hard to do the things he has asked. Since this time, we've been more diligent in having family prayer and scripture study and in holding FHE. We've also come to appreciate the little family that we have. Its given us a greater appreciation for Jordyn, the ease of her pregnancy and just the joy that she is in our lives. Its made us a little more appreciative of each other, and little more patient and a little more understanding of those around us who are struggling with difficult pregnancies and the death of children. If we felt a great loss of a pregnancy that was so early then how must those feel who have lost 4 little ones because they came too early or those who lost a 2yr old unexpectedly, or even to those who's babies have been born with serious health issues or birth defects. We still don't know why these things have happened and we may never know in this life, but we know that this was the Lords will and that someday, on the Lords time, we will have the joy of welcoming another little one to our family. In the mean time, we are truly enjoying the precious little one we already have.
I'm sure that there will be some of you who will try to contact me with questions (mom) or concerns, or even with heart felt notes saying that you care. Don't be alarmed if I don't answer or reply. Remember, my phone just broke (and who knows when I'll get the chance to go get another one) and all I have is a very old computer that works when it wants (that and I don't always check my email because when it does work I'm usually looking for houses.) Just know that I appreciate all your care and support and that writing this all down has helped me to feel like my burdens have been lightened.