This Is Me

This blog, like the rest of my life has been a bit negative lately. While I'm not the most positive or optimistic person in the world, I try not to be negative, but lately it seems like that's the only thing I feel. Yes, I know, my attitude and how I react to things going on around me is completely up to me, it's my choice. However, sometimes it's hard, very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the rainbow after the storm, the good in all the bad going on around you. I know, there's a very obvious blessing in the fact that we will soon be welcoming two little boys to our family, but to be honest, right now these boys are making my life miserable. I'm getting tired of having to go to the Dr. every week, sometimes twice a week, having to refill a prescription every other week. Tired of not being able to sleep, eat, or even sit comfortably. My emotions/ hormones are all over the place. One minute I'll be fine and the next I'm crying my eyes out saying that I can't do it anymore. I feel bad for E & J for having to put up with me, especially J since she doesn't know what's going on, just that some days Mommy turns into a monster. As if this wasn't enough, there are other trials in our lives right now to add to the chaos and stress. Now, I don't tell you this so that you'll feel sorry for me. I know that everyone has trials, and everyone handles them differently. I don't handle mine very well, ever. I know that the Lord wouldn't have given me these trials if He didn't think I could handle them, and I think I might have a little more faith in my own abilities if I got them one at a time, but that's not how He chose to do it. He sent me a triple whammy this time and there are days that I'm not sure I can do it. There are days where I want to just hide under my covers and hope that everything goes away. There are days like today when J takes the brunt of my frustration even though it has nothing to do with her. I know in the scriptures Christ tells us to take His yoke upon us and He will make our burdens light and that we should be patient in our tribulations, but I find these things to be hard. Maybe that's why I keep getting trials sent my way, so I can learn to hand over my sorrows and discomforts to Christ and let Him carry them, after all, isn't that why He suffered in the garden? I think the biggest problem is that I'm not exactly sure how to hand over all my anxiety, stress, and worry and let Him help carry my burdens. I know that sounds like I don't trust that He can do it, but I do. I know that Christ can do a better job than I can, and that He already has, but I tend to be a worrier and one of my biggest faults is that I worry extensively over things that I have no control over, but I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to just sit back and let things happen. In fact, I worry more about things that I have no control over than things that are mine to worry over. I hope that through all my trials I am learning how to hand more of my worries over to the Lord, taking a few steps closer to being the person He knows I can be, but as of right now it seems like I'm not just sliding, but rolling downhill, and fast. Maybe after many (MANY, MANY) more years I'll get it right, but for now, this is me and these are my struggles.