How Am I Doing?

This is a question that I get asked multiple times a day. Most people get the short answer of either, "I'm hanging in there" or "I'm surviving". Helpful answers, I know, but most people really don't have the time or interest to listen to the long answer. If you're one of those people, you can skip this post because I'm going to give you the long answer. Overall, we've been really blessed and have had no [extra] complications during this pregnancy. Our biggest fear was that the boys would develop TTTS (and they still could), but so far they are growing great and at almost the exact same rate, which is fabulous! We really feel that all your thoughts and prayers have really helped us out. My clotting disorder was another fear, but with the watchful care of my hematologist, they've got all my levels where they should be and there have been no complications there as well (lots of pain and bruising, but no complications). As far as how I'm feeling physically, there's been a few minor complaints, my back and hips hurt, I'm not sleeping well, I have really bad heartburn/acid reflux, and my ankles have decided to play hide-and-seek, but nothing out of the ordinary for being pregnant. On the flip side, mentally/emotionally, I'm a mess, and I'm not the only one. The stresses of this pregnancy are affecting everyone. J is entering the horrible 3s and has really been acting out lately.

Our sweet little girl has turned into a monster. I know that some of this is due to her age, some due to her independent personality, but I know that a lot of it is due to the chaos that is our lives right now. The fact that I can't play with her as she would like (don't have the energy most days, but I also have to be cautious and cant do anything where I might get bumped really hard because of the risk of getting a blood clot), and the fact that Daddy is trying to work a lot of extra hrs to help save up money/comp time for when the babies com don't help. I do think it helps that we have so many great friends that are willing to watch J while we go to the Dr's, it gives her a chance to have a break (even I would rather go to a friends and play than sit in the Dr's office for ANOTHER appointment).

As I mentioned previously, Erik has been trying to work extra hrs whenever he can (yes, I know that he's taken a lot of time off this month so it doesn't seem like he's working extra but he had vacation days that he had to use up or he'd lose them). Not only is he worried about the welfare of me and the babies, he's REALLY stressed about the financial aspects of it all. When we embarked upon this pregnancy journey, we knew that there would be added expenses, and we were prepared for another "normal" pregnancy (one similar to like when I was pregnant with J). However, the Lord had a different plan for us, and while we know that everything will work out as it should, it's still stressful since we don't know HOW it's going to work out, especially since Erik's work has cut all overtime (including court time, and that's where most officers make their money).

Now, onto me. I have all the stresses mentioned above, plus some. I'm not necessarily saying that I have it worse off than J or Erik, it just that J can't really express her stresses, and Erik hasn't told me of any other ones that he has (that and he's not really one to stress over things, I am). While I too am worried about the financial aspect of this pregnancy and getting everything ready for the twins arrival, it's not my biggest stress. The hardest thing for me has been (and still is) is the fact that I feel useless. When I was pregnancy with J, I felt great, in fact, the only "symptom" of pregnancy that I had was that I grew a belly, and during the last month I had major swelling and sciatic nerve pain. I worked up until 2 days before she was born and actually got offended when people treated me like I was disabled. Now, I can't do anything and I feel so useless. I know that I shouldn't compare this pregnancy to my previous one because they're so different, but it's difficult not to. I've had several people offer to help me if I need it, but I don't want to use those resources. I know that in the near future I will have to, but I dread that day. I HATE being dependant on others and having to ask for help. I also HATE having my trials be so open, I know that it doesn't seem like it with how much I post on this blog, I came to the conclusion early on that this trial was going to be a very public one whether I liked it or not, so I've tried to embrace that and just go with the flow (not so easy to do with the having to ask for help issue). It still drives me nuts when people treat me like I'm disabled, probably more so now that it did with J. I may be in the mist of a very complicated pregnancy, but there are still things that I can do. I know that people are just trying to be helpful, but it makes me feel worse when I'm in the midst of doing something and they try to come and take over because they think I shouldn't be doing it. I know what I can and can't do, and what my Dr's think I should or should not be doing. If I need help picking up J or carrying my bag, I'll let you know, until then, please let me do it.

But overall, I'm hanging in there :). Again, I am really grateful for every one's concern, for all the thoughts and prayers that have been offered in behalf of our family and for the help that has been given us. We have truly been blessed with great friends and family to help lift us up during these hard times and thank our Heavenly Father daily for these angels in our lives.

THANK YOU!!!